State of the Union Address: Donald J. Trump

By Phil Goldberg

“Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States.”
Thank you, thank you so much. Now that Trump is president, a resounding victory led by me and the crazy, poorly educated minions of mine, it is time to heal our divisions and come together as a country. We can do this. No really, we can do this.

As I scan the audience, let me give a shout-out to Lyin’ Ted. I see you out there, sitting by yourself. It must be tough, Lyin’ Ted. No friends, no presidency. And Little Marco, back in the Senate I see. I thought you weren’t running. Maybe I should start calling you Little Lyin’ Marco. And where’s crooked Hillary? SHE’S IN JAIL. Just like Trump predicted. I’m right about everything. I really am.

But, again, this is a time of healing for our nation. Ted’s actually a terrific guy, now that he is not a threat to Trump. And Marco’s not so bad either, once you get him away from Chris Christie. Right, Mr. Vice President? Oh, right, I gave that job to, what’s his name? Ah, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think it’s Pence.

But enough about everyone else. The real reason we are here today is, let’s face it, me. And I’m going to follow through on all my promises, that I can tell you.

On the domestic front, I have already started building a wall around the White House to keep everyone out except my fellow country club members from Mar-a-Lago. And just to show that I can actually knock down walls (or barriers, as inmate Hillary used to say when she was a free woman), I have a construction crew expanding the White House to accommodate a large spa to be run by the first lady, my lovely wife, Melania. We’ll make lots of money, I can tell you. But we’re not stupid enough to spend it on, let’s say, more jobs for the poor (saps) out there in Hillbillyville. No sir, the money goes into my legal fund in the ongoing, and weak, case against Trump University. By the way, Judge Curiel is no longer on the bench. I hear he is on his way back to Indiana, then to Mexico, where he actually wasn’t born, but should have been.

On the foreign affairs front, we are going to build that wall I promised on the Mexico border after we get the White House all fixed up. Remember, we’ve got Melania’s spa, the big Trump sign at the top of the White House, and the wall around the perimeter. I can’t stress enough how we can do this without going into bankruptcy. We probably will build a casino in the front, across from the Rose Garden. It’ll be the best casino in the history of casinos, you can bet on that. After we get finished with all that, we’ll get to that Mexican wall I promised, maybe in four years.

Who knows, maybe I’ll get impeached before then and I can go back to all my fabulous businesses that my children will probably run into the ground.

But in the meantime, I’ll be your president and a great one at that. Before it is all finished, I’ll get rid of those guys on Mount Rushmore. They can sandblast them off and put up a big bust of Trump. I’m a pretty handsome guy, right? You know, George Washington, let’s face it, folks, he wasn’t much in the looks department. I heard he had bad teeth. I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere. Who wants to gaze at the puss any longer? He’s old business. Let’s confine him to the history books.

Speaking of history books, we are going to abolish them and use my book “Trump: The Art of the Deal” in all schools, public, private and whatever. That will be required reading for all the little real estate moguls and shysters to be. Forget history. We’re forging a new America. You know, “Make America Great Again.” How is that sounding now, inmate Hillary?

Hey, I hear some Democrats booing out there. Is that you, Schumer? Get him out. Don’t rough him up. I don’t approve of violence. But get him out. Pelosi, you can stay, I guess. But not a peep out of you.

In closing, this is going to be a great run as president for me. It will be truly awesome and a beautiful thing. And to every American,  and by that I mean every American who voted for me, let me say this: Don’t think I owe you any favors. Now, America, get back to work, if any of you have jobs. For the rest, you can watch the Trump show and boost my ratings. That’s the most beautiful thing of all.